“…and every night we’ll watch the stars…” Paris, Friendly Fires

This is the year that I mark my 30^th year.   And that is a thought that I’m still struggling to wrap my brain around.   I still feel like I’m the little sister and the small child.  But I also feel like this could be a good time in my life.  Things are OK and I’ve come a long way from being the kindergarten child that didn’t like to chat in class.   Sure, I’m still the same in many ways, but my 29 years have been good to me.  

I am hoping to make this a memorable year.   I’m setting a few goals for myself and planning for some fun times.   And maybe a few thanks for the people who got me to this year where I’ll hit that milestone.   Because I wasn’t easy on them!  Not since day one I hear.  

So, I’m starting my year of thanks by taking my mom to Paris.   Yes, we are going to have our own little adventure to share and make a few memories.    And though we may “challenge” one another sometimes, I think we will be giggling like school girls at the thought of making it to the point where we could just “GO” and have some fun.   

Just the two of us. 

And we will celebrate the many good things we have and most importantly we will celebrate that we were able to take the journey together.   All 30 years of it so far.  

So Mother’s day should be pretty sweet this year.  

And don’t worry about Dad.   There just might be something in the works for Father’s day.   Scotch anyone?!?!

“Saw things so much clearer…” Rearviewmirror, Pearl Jam

One of my “Ah Ha…” songs is definitely this Pearl Jam beauty.   And it makes me smile and laugh and sigh for so many reasons.   But it really seems to motivate me.   For so many different reasons.   And it really is starting to ring true for me already this year. 

2010 is here.   And I’m focused.  I think I got that much-needed dose of Perspective along with some other great gifts and a lot of sleep this Christmas.   I’m ready to make some changes.   And I’m ready to work on being a better me.   As I approached the Holidays I had a few nights when I really asked myself “What is my purpose in this moment of my life?”  And as I was lying in bed thinking these thoughts I had that bit of an “Ah Ha” moment. 

“Stop being so introspective,” I told myself.    

Followed by “Seriously!?!  Who do you think you are?  Purpose? HAHAHA”

But that is when the little light bulb started to shine.   The one that told me I need to start LIVING and stop waiting for the moment when LIFE smacks me and says “You are having fun now.”  Because that moment isn’t going to happen.  I have to make it happen.  Things have started to crystallize a bit more in my mind, so I’m hoping to move into the year with a re-invigorated sense of what I want out of my life. 

I want to travel, visit my friends, see my nephew grow before it is too late, read more, find a hobby, volunteer, learn a new skill just for fun, and really just enjoy all that I’ve been given.  My purpose in life isn’t to work.  My purpose isn’t to be in the background.  I think my purpose is to do something better for myself and those around me.   It will be an evolving process, but hopefully one that just further enhances my journey.

And when I need a little pick-me-up, I’ll put on Eddie and the guys and rock out to all that the future holds.

“All I want now is Happiness for you and me…” Happiness, Elliott Smith

I’ve been tired.  This holiday season has totally snuck up on me.  And unfortunately my mind just says now, “Is it 2010, yet?”  I need a fresh start.   New perspective is what I want for Christmas.   But as much as things aren’t 100% where I wish they were, I do know I’m lucky.  The world keeps spinning, I have great family and I’m OK.   So perspective is what I need to keep it in the foreground.   And when I’m feeling weak and oh so, “Whoa is me…” I listen to the following for a little inspiration and maybe a little perspective.   It gives me that intangible much-needed something that only a truly great song can do.

• Noah and the Whale, “Blue Skies”:  A breakup song that is hopeful and sweet and uplifting.
• Mocky, “Birds of a Feather”:   Great find that is retro and new and fresh and just what is needed.
• Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson, “I am the Cosmos”:  I want to hate it but I don’t.
• Bon Iver, “Blood Bank”: Can’t even come up with why I love it so much.   
• Bibio, “Haikuesque (When She Laughs)”: Don’t know where I found this, but I’m loving it. 
• melpo mene, “I Adore You”:  Dreamy goodness especially at 2:30 into the song.  I smile and think of my nephew, James
• M83, “Dark Moves of Love”:  Love the whole of “Saturdays=Youth”;  Many remind me of Kate Bush albums we listened to as kids.  Feels a bit pretentious, but in such a good way.  
• The Avett Brothers, “St. Joseph’s”:   “I give up on trying to understand why we were blessed…”
• David Gray, “First Chance”:  Inspires me to maybe one day bite the bullet.
• The Wooden Birds, “Believe in Love”:  Enough said.
• The Swell Season, “High Horses”:  So sad I missed the concert, as this is the song I want to hear live, but Strict Joy is playing on repeat to get me through to the next time.   
• Yo La Tengo, “You can Have it All”:  Totally my mantra to get me through the haze.   The message is my mainstay.

“The great big howling is about to begin…” Speak for Me, Cat Power

I learned the power of a voice two weeks ago.    My nephew showed me the power of a baby first learning about his voice and how far it will take him.  His little screams show his excitement, his contentedness, and even sometimes his anger.   He is learning to use his voice though he can’t utter a single word. 

As he was “talking” to me, I couldn’t help but realize the power that words can have.   I had a conversation with some colleagues about how as kids the verbal fights were the worst.  We used words to tear each other down as we thought it was “nicer” than just punching someone.   But the words are what follow people- be they good or bad.   We remember the “Thank you”, but really remember the “I hate you” more.  

I think James will be a strong-willed boy, but hopefully will get some of his mama’s lovingness.   I was the kid who screamed the “I hate you” and the “you are ugly” to anyone who pissed me off.   Yeah, very mature.  I didn’t turn out too bad now (right?) and I actually have some regret for those instances as I now know as an adult the power of those phrases.   I’ll have to do my best to make sure that James learns to respect the voice he was given and use words the right way.  To use words that can bring conversation and laughter and not use words to tear down others.    It will be a challenge for us both.   But maybe I can use my past to teach a lesson.   I can work on righting my wrongs.

So, Joey M., if you are out there I don’t hate you.   Sorry about writing that all over the sidewalk in pink chalk and screaming it for the neighbors to hear.

“What you give, or give out, is the only thing that really counts…” Two Tongues, The Swell Season

I’m exhausted.   I can’t sleep, but thankfully, it is a short week so I should be OK even if I only get a bit of sleep.    I blame the past week for my lack of sleeping now.  I got more sleep than I think I have in many months.  But how and why?

Well I did a Habitat for Humanity trip with my office.   And it was exhausting and I’ve got the bruises to show that I did do some work.   And work that I’m not sure I’ll ever do again.  

On this trip alone I was able to do the following:

• Install insulation under a house.  Yeah, crawling hands and knees under a house in the dirt.  FUN!   My knees are battered, but I was short enough that I could sit with my hard hat barely touching the top of the floor boards.  Others weren’t so lucky and spent the entire morning belly down in the dirt. 
• Use a miter saw to cut my own pieces as I installed a soffit.  TEDIOUS.
• Install two walls worth of 11 inch soffit.  One wall required me climbing on top of two floors worth of scaffolding and dancing between the boards to install said soffit.
• Move countless pieces of siding. 
• Install siding.
• Measure, measure, and measure some more for siding.

It was a great trip.  I got to meet some good people and have some fun.  I was able to get to the South and see the results of hard work in tangible form.  I’ve gained a better appreciation of the hard work that goes into doing manual labor.

But not everything was perfect.  

Basically my week was like attending Adult Summer camp.  Now, I never went to Summer camp.  I couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to go to sleep away camp.  And after this week I really can’t fathom why anyone would want to go.   In case you have never experienced “going to camp” let me give you a taste of what you would experience:

• Sharing a “dorm” with 7 other girls.  Yeah, you get you your own bed, but you also have 7 other people breathing in the same space.
• Sharing 2 showers with the “dorm”.  Communal showers should be outlawed.  Being that we were doing manual labor, showers weren’t the hottest commodity at 6 in the morning.   But imagine the number of times you have to say “can I go next for the shower?” after the day.
• No TV or radio.
• No Internet (Thank you iPhone.  You saved me from total brain meltdown many nights).
• And the worst bit…Cafeteria food.  Yeah, there were 13 of us and we had one lady cooking for us.  But there were still flash frozen eggs and many things that had to have come from Costco.   I nearly cried when I looked at our packed lunches.   White bread?  Who still eats that?!?!  I never did in my life and this wasn’t the week to start.  So snack mix and orange crackers with peanut butter were my lunch.

So despite the Adult Summer camp vibe, I was able to really enjoy my week.  It definitely helped me understand that giving some of your time and your skills, no matter how minimal, is a good thing.  You never know how many lives you may affect.    In the end, it may even be yours.

Maybe the next time I’m hanging siding, I’ll actually eat the white bread sandwich.

“No you haven’t said a single thing that I didn’t already know…” You Haven’t Told Me Anything, Keane

This is how my day went yesterday…

Wake up at 5 AM after having a decent weekend of relaxing, seeing David Gray, and all out NOT celebrating Halloween.

Board plane with the other hoards of people for my weekly flight. Mood, not so bad for a Monday.

Wonder why we aren’t taking off.

“We appreciate your patience.”

Get news that some part is not working. Looks like an hour delay.

“We appreciate your patience.”

Try to sleep through delay. Doesn’t happen.

Listen to music to loudly drown out the snoring man behind me. Feel sorry for his significant other.

“We have to de-plane as this one isn’t going to leave the ground.”

“We appreciate your patience.”

Get off plane and call Customer service to get booked on new flight (My go-to tip: Get on the phone. While you waited in line, I got myself and 2 other co-workers confirmed on a later flight if needed.)

“We appreciate your patience.”

“Please go to gate !@?!?@?” Decipher the Peanuts Teacher “WAH-WAH-WAH” message and start moving.

Moving to new gate and blankly stare as there is NO plane at the gate.

“We appreciate your patience.”

Not fun any more.

Move gates again and join the mass hoard to do this all over again. Marvel at the fact that maybe we will get out with only a 3 hour delay.

Finally board plane and take the same seat next to the same person.

Exchange “déjà vu” jokes.

Wonder why we aren’t leaving when everyone is seated and no major bag issues.

“We are waiting for catering.”

“We appreciate your patience.”

Mumble something under my breath about no one needing the crappy food they are bringing onboard for an overpriced amount anyway.

“LET’s JUST GO…”

An hour passes as we wait for our flash frozen snacks for 1st class and boxed snacks for the peons in the back.

Getting agitated. Still no snoozing on my part.

Remaining calm while listening to the new Swell Season album.

Finally take off 4 hours later.

“We appreciate your patience.”

Maybe I’m getting soft in my age. Or maybe I have really just learned to tune out the interference. Because telling me the same thing over and over isn’t a way to win my favor. But somehow I managed to not go crazy. I remained calm. I didn’t scream. I didn’t breakdown. I even managed to get some work done at my client for another 6 hours after landing. Somehow, I could ignore the noise and just appreciate the fact I don’t have to do this again until Thursday.

This patience thing may not be so bad.

“What do you do when you’re in your place…” Your Place, Zero 7

There are some things that we do only in the comfort of our homes.  We use our homes as our shields from the outside judgment and questions that could stem from our actions.  Maybe you walk around with no clothes, maybe you eat all sorts of foods that you wouldn’t be seen with outside.  Some people are super dirty at home when you would never suspect.  Home becomes our sanctuary where we can be the most comfortable we can be.  

So what is it that I do only in my home?  

…I sing and I dance. 

Now let me remind you about me.

1. I do not dance.  Never took a lesson as a kid and I when I do dance it is pretty sad looking.  I have NO rhythm.  My sister laughs at me to this day as I can’t do the quintessential 80’s move, “the Snake.”  She was a master.   She bites her tongue and snaps her fingers as she sways from one side to the next, toes pointed.  I can’t do it.  Never could and still can’t.   I’m not confident in my bad dancing.  Elaine from Seinfeld had nothing on me. 
2. I don’t sing if anyone can hear me.  Maybe in a car, down the street if no one is around or sometimes in Church.   I think I could be OK.  Maybe it could be my hidden talent, but I don’t think we will ever know.

But in the quiet of my own home, sometimes I find myself dancing about and singing to the top of my lungs.  I am sure my neighbors hate it, but they only have to deal with it 2 out of the 7 days of the week most of the time so SCREW apologizing.   I’ve recently figured out that this is one of the best things about living without anyone else.   No one judges and I just bust my own move to my heart’s content.   I picture that everyone must do it.  We must have our Risky Business moment where we are just going nuts to our favorite song. 

It makes me happy.  And everyone needs that something to make them happy every once in a while.  

Oh, and sometimes I eat ice cream one spoonful at a time from the pint.

“So underrated…” Banquet, Bloc Party

What have I been up to?  

• I got a flu shot.   I’m waiting to see if I was just over cautious this year or if it will serve me well.  I’ve never felt compelled to get it, but figured this year it was such a big deal why not.  Oh, and they were doing them in the airport as I waited for my delayed flight. I feel invincible, so of course that means I’ll be sick as ever this winter!  
• Made really good tomato soup.   Blended mind for better consistency.
• Preparing for a trip to the South for a Habitat for Humanity week.  Excited to be back in the area and hoping I can get to meet up with some old friends.  Oh, and I get to help build a house!
• Counting the days till I get to see my little buddy James.  I heard he is a genius and already said “LaLa come back!”  I’m on my way in less than a month! NEVER thought I’d miss an 11 week old that much.
• Ready for some fall concerts.  There are a few good ones I have tickets too, but I’m also thinking a little road trip may be in order.   
• Annoyed that the apple Genius function basically is like an elementary mixed tape artist.  Come on… of course Ryan Adams and Wilco go together.  I want the Apple Savant to make my play list.
• Listening to my non-Genius Fall Mix and hoping for some time to enjoy the season a bit. 
• Slowly getting accustomed to wearing jeans and hoodies and the occasional puffy vest.   
• Ready to get motivated.   NEEDING to get motivated.   A New Year is coming and I’m not sure I got through any of my 2009 goals.   At least I have 2.5 months left.

OK.    My life sounds pretty BORING.   I think I’m supposed to be doing something super exciting during this year.   I guess I’m still trying to get to that point where I MAKE something happen rather than just waiting for it.   But I guess I still can savor a day wandering the streets doing nothing.   I think we all deserve that every once in a while.

“As a moon waned to crescent…” Blood Bank, Bon Iver

The dreaded moment arrived this weekend.  The day I was avoiding like the plague.  The day that finally made me realize there is no turning back. 

I had to put on socks this weekend.   And shoes with closed toes.

Winter is upon me.  I can feel it coming. And it is starting early which I’m not so hot on (No pun intended).

The moment came this weekend when it was time to put the blanket on the bed.   The fleece came out of hiding and the throw for the couch.   Socks and jeans and even a trench all made an appearance.   I whimpered a bit as I retired my flip flops and sundresses, but didn’t moan too much as it is somewhat refreshing to see and feel the change.

Having grown up with little to no seasons, I still find it odd to experience such a tangible event.  After experiencing it, you can understand why poets and songwriters and all sort of others have waxed nostalgic of the “change of season.”  As the leaves are turning brown on the trees outside my window and there are fewer people sitting outside for dinner and drinks, I am forced to realize this is a season of change.   There is something kind of comforting in knowing what to expect (COLD, COLD, oh and more BITTER Chicago wind) and seeing the change.  It is quite refreshing in some ways and daunting in others.  Makes me think back more than I should at the past year, but I also look forward to what comes next.

And I’ll survive the cold with frequent visits to family in the hottest regions of the US.   And may a trip to somewhere warm and sunny and totally off my normal radar screen.

“It’s gonna happen soon but not today, so go to sleep, make the change…” Independence Day, Elliott Smith

I’m getting back from a few weekends of visiting old friends and celebrating milestone events with family.   And it makes me think of the things that I want in my life and the great things I have in my life.   And it gives me some perspective on what I need to do to make myself a bit of a better person.  

I visited a dear friend in Georgia and got to reconnect.   You don’t realize how fast the memories come back of times long past and how much shared events helped to shape the people you have become.    We laughed at old stories and talked of new events.  And I got to see my friend’s world and life.  It is always nice to get away from your own life and live a little bit in someone else’s world.  The baby that they will welcome in a few short months will be one lucky kid.  He or She will be loved and surrounded by lots of distant “Aunts” and “Uncles” who have many stories to share.   It will be a fun time for them and even for us spectators.  

And then I went and visited my nephew James for his Baptism.   I arrived after a few delayed connections to find a screaming baby in a car seat not so happy to see me (Or more so not so happy to be away from Mama in the backseat by himself).   So after a bit of cuddling from mom, we drove off into the torrential rain, me and my buddy being driven by my sister, now known as Mama.   He quieted down thankfully and even seemed to not be disturbed by the tremendous rain that was beating down on the car.  Baptism all right.   Right into the world of babies, cries, and some smiles.   Within hours we were cuddling cheek to cheek and walking about to calm us both into a daze.  He made my muscles stronger and made me sweat from the challenge of slippery baby in a tub, but also made me run for my camera to shoot a picture off to friends and family and prove my smiling powers.   My little buddy showed me his big blue eyes, flashed his smile, and gave me a few shout outs!  And he was lovely for the rest of the weekend.  

And as I watched his mama take care of him, I realized the real meaning of selflessness, patience, and true love.   He doesn’t look at anyone the way he looks at her even if he does toss me a few sweet glances and a smile (I’m hoping to run a close 2^nd in the ladies in his life race)!   And she is leading the charge of showing by example of how to be selfless and patient and kind.   And I can only hope to emulate those actions one day.   Minus the sleeping on the floor in between waking sessions!

Seeing this new world open in front of him gives a totally different perspective on what is happening in my life and what has happened.   It somehow shows you the selflessness that must have been needed to get me to the place I am.   You hear of the stories, but you don’t understand until you witness someone else doing these.   I’m fortunate I have a family who loved my sister and me enough to help us get to where we are today.  And now they should be proud to see that she is imparting that same love and good traits onto someone else.   And I think I’ve got the capacity to do the same someday.    But we didn’t get to this point alone and we are not done with the journey. 

I know I’m not yet at the place where I’ve got it all figured out, but now I can see some of the prizes that await as the journey continues.   Great friends who share memories that won’t be forgotten, unending love from family both old and new, and unexpected smiles that make a girl giddy with excitement. 

Oh, and many hours to sleep in the quiet of my hotel room.