1. The Girls album, “Father, Son, and Holy Ghost”.  If you wonder why this is on so many “best of” lists it is TOTALLY worth it.   Put on the song Just a Song, Vomit, or Forgiveness (I suggest with some good headphones) and then tell me you don’t love it.  Oh and the background story is pretty good too.
2. Seeing Bon Iver live for the new nearly perfect album “Bon Iver” and taking away a memory of a crazy rendition of Blood Bank that I can still hear the riff on even though it is from the old album.  
3. M83’s “Hurry Up We’re Dreaming” album is so good it also deserves to be on all the lists it is on this year.  Though I wish it wasn’t and it would have been easier to get concert tickets.  Steve McQueen is a great anthem song that is addictive.  
4. “Lorelai” from Fleet Foxes Helplessness Blues album.   I may steal this name for my first child.  This song somehow caught me up in the whole Fleet Fox frenzy.  
5. Washed Out had me at “Feel it all Around” last time.  But now “Before” from Within and Without just kind of made me a lifer. I hear this song and I feel like all the clouds part and all is clear.  I can’t even make out half the words, but it somehow sounds like clarity and the back beat makes me bounce while I walk.     
6. Wild Nothing’s “Gemini” is from 2010.  But it is an album that I played a lot this year and somehow makes the cold winter feel a little sunnier.   I’ll be playing this one through next Spring I’m sure.
7. Real Estate’s “Days” .  Loved the first album, but I think the second is even better.  The whole thing is like hazy nostalgia.   It is the sound I wish would play as you are wandering around your old home town.
8. Foster the People’s “Torches”.  Sure it is kind of cheesy but it really makes me happy and instantly improves a boring work day.   
9. Wilco’s “The Whole Love”.  I like the new album (still letting it grow), but the more I listen to them, the more I’m happy to be able to call Chicago a part of my life.   Not sure that makes sense, but it does to me. 
10. “Long Time to Lose It” by The Wooden Birds has the line “I guess I’m just a kid with a bended line…” which seems to sum up a lot of what I think often times.   I forget how old I am. 

I’m proud to say that these choices are pretty optimistic when I look at them.   Guess the “feeling” of 2011 was optimistic.  

And so a new year is here.  

Here is to a year full of some new inspiration and some continued optimism.

There is something to be said for the newness of a relationship (and no, this isn’t some declaration of something in my life.  I’ve been listening to my music as I walk around and the tempo of some of the songs reminds me so much of the slow progression and the obsessive-like longing that often comes with the freshness of something new.  And if you don’t know what I am talking about, oh how I hope you can.  Or better yet, that you can think back to when it was tangible and find a way to grab it back.

Lately, I have been trying to find that same feeling in my life -that feeling that you and the other person are invincible; the power and confidence that comes with being absorbed into a reality that only exists for the few.   But I am not sure that it is translating well.   

Am I an idealist, a dreamer, totally irrational and forgetting the hard times that can come?  Most likely. 

But I have to remember the feeling and freshness and hold on to the possibility that it isn’t my last.   Maybe I can one day find again that overwhelming sense of longing and needing someone to exist just so that you know you aren’t along for the ride in this world solo. 

Maybe I’ve been ruined and/or spoiled by my past.  

And I feel for the poor guy who comes next!  

But really, it will be OK.  

I doubt he will be anything other than a dreamer and nearly as ridiculous as I am in my thinking.   It will make for years of debate.

Today I finally realized that when you fly high enough out of the clouds and storms a world of sun and blue sky exists. 

Always. 

This realization may just change my life.

Recently I read this article which kind of eerily sums up a lot of what many I know are thinking and feeling.  Seems pretty fitting that those I know best seemingly fall into this bucket and do seem to experience a bit of an identity crisis.  We are less aloof/jaded then some Gen X, less selfish (dare I call it what it appears to be) than many of the Millennials and just as confused as when we were 15 and truly struggling with those Angela Chase insecurities.  I remember watching My So Called Life and probably liking it even more once I got away from High school.  All-girls school didn’t afford the same level of Jordan worship, but I can say that we definitely were a brooding/worrisome bunch like Ms. Chase.   And I so I guess I can relate to the Catalano generation definition.   It makes sense, but then again I struggle to put a finger on it (oh, so Catalano…).  

The reason so many of us felt totally connected to My So Called Life is that it is and was the best representation of our lives at the time.  Not the crazy clothes- though they did exist- nor the way that the word “like” is used way too frequently, but rather that it did a great job of showing the total lack of certainty that we all felt. 

…the pull between good and bad;

…between being one thing and really wanting to be something else; 

…and all the while trying to figure it out and not go crazy and/or cry. 

I think I most relate to the angst (my family will find that OH SO Shocking I’m sure!).   I still get uncomfortable watching Angela cry during that show as it must have been too close to home.  And though I’m twice the age of the characters (confirmation I’m getting old…), I do think it still resonates.  The struggle is still going on between being one thing and maybe wanting to be something else.  Between knowing all the answers and following one path and then dabbling into another world that seems exciting and new, but can also be messy.  

I like the Catalano Generation label.  

I just hope that I can learn something from Angela and move on from all the Jordan’s.  I’ve got enough indecision for the both of us.

How is it 10 years on?  How did the years pass so quickly?

Ten years seem like a long time, but looking back they have seemingly passed in a blink.   I can remember where I was and what I was doing on that day, but the time between seems blurry.   And I feel like the same person, but know there are some changes.  That day was a turning point for me like so many others.  

Ten years ago, I sat dumbfounded by what I was watching.   I woke up roommates who have now become mothers, educators, and lifelong sisters .  We watched and frantically called those we knew would be right in the impact area.   As we sought out some connection in those desperate moments of confusion, the voice mails we got left us with a few moments of panic. 

“How is this happening?”  

“What do we do?” 

And then we tried to go about our day not knowing our world, the world we had lived in 20+ years  and that we thought we were finally understanding, was changing at that moment.  And in those few hours, everything was different.  

Despite the tears and sadness we felt for classmates and the scores of others directly impacted, we were told to move forward.  To keep reaching for those things that were at one point so tangible but now seemed so lost in the uncertainty.  And so we exposed our vulnerability and plugged forward.  And only now do I think I can realize the power of that action.

For some of us, vulnerability meant the chance to open ourselves up enough to truly fall in love.

For others, it allowed them to solidify the bonds they had with the ones they loved.

And for most, it created an unknown path.  We couldn’t see which way we needed to go and so we wondered and sought out some semblance of a path.  And for all of us, the journey still continues as we keep searching for the next turn in the path. 

So I will look back on this 10^th anniversary and probably wistfully think back to the 9^th of September, the day calls were made to friends encouraging them to enjoy their first day of work in the City.   

But I know I can’t dwell in that world of September 9^th and 10^th.  My reality is this day now.  Longing for the days of the 10^th isn’t an option, so I must focus on all the other things that came after-the ten years that allowed me to experience new places, new people, and figure out who I was.  It took a while and I still am not sure I’m there, but I do think I can easily say I wouldn’t be where I am in my life (both figuratively and literally) without that day.

In the end, I will remember all those that aren’t here to continue the journey further with us, but I will celebrate the strength that was born that day to help me march forward for the past 10 years with a sense of hope.

To remember that you can always stretch and reach for something different, something that isn’t ordinary.

And to remember that the people who will help you get there are often few and far between.

But if you are lucky, you will have a few;  

And those are the ones you should cherish.  

So we should keep trying, keep reaching, living the happiness that I know is possible. 

And on that journey, I’m going to remember to take the ones that I love with me.

And this is in all realms of my life, whether it be work, success, friends, etc.    

My expectations are way too high and the let down of not meeting those expectations is too crushing.  

 …So where do I start if I really want to be reasonable instead of setting myself up for a let down? 

…Is there a point where my expectations can be too much, or is it just that I need to keep striving toward them?

I’m spinning a bit, but know I’ll find a way to become more realistic in my expectations. 

I’ve got hope that I can “bring it down a notch” and be OK with the reality that is present.

It will just be a bit of a struggle to get there.

The sun was shining.  My coffee was warm.  My mind was clear.

Just another Sunday in my world.

And so I let it soak in and will try to keep those thoughts with me as I go about my week.

Life is good.  There are good things happening and hopefully more to come.

And Sunday is always perfect for setting straight my thoughts and ideas and moving into a new week with clarity.

1. Good friends to pick me up when I needed it the most.  And to kick me around when I needed it the most.  
2. Healthy family and the ability to spend so much time together.  We have all been able to see each other often enough and spending some of the holidays together was great. 
3. Exploring Paris. We survived with our few words of French, some great tour guides for a day, and then explored the city till we couldn’t walk another step.     
4. Spending time with James watching him explore the world.  From Valentine’s Day to Thanksgiving, I got to watch my nephew grow in so many ways.  He has become such a charming little boy who has big things ahead of him.  I’m thinking politics or acting.  Seriously.  He is that good at the charm! 
5. Really good music.  I’ve been on a music binge this year trying to soak up some new artists and get re-acquainted with some old.  I’ve got to credit some of these picks as the only way I’ve been able to feel a sense of optimism despite the 20 degree temperatures.
6. In addition to 5, seeing Sufjan at the Chicago Theater.  I’m telling you the concert was that good.  It makes my tops.  Optimistic and life-affirming despite the talk of the apocalypse and schizophrenia.
7. Doing OK at work and getting promoted.  Vindication in some ways even if it feels less than thrilling.
8. Meeting new people and reconnecting with some old.  The cycle continues and confirms for me that there are good people out in the world.
9. Optimism in some fashion in some corners of my world.  Not that the pessimism has been put to bed, but there are things that I can see a little more “glass half full” in my life now that I don’t think I did previously.
10. Turning 30 and realizing clarity is on the horizon.  Things are slowly clicking in as reality.  Just took 30 years to get there.  

So TwentyEleven has started.  

And I’ll continue to push myself to do more and be more of who I think I need to be.

But I’m always aware that the path has curves and it is my task to follow and forge my way the best I can.

To enjoy the life I have and embrace some of the twists and turns.

I’ve decided that I’m not getting any younger so sitting around and waiting is not a good way to live life.  

I’ve decided to make my own life happen. 

And that is what I’m working on.

But I do think there are some sort of signs out there that do send me little signals of affirmation every once in a while.  And they may just be the normal tangible events, people, and places of every other day, but I like to think that someone is looking out for me.  I think those little affirmations are there to keep me moving in the right direction.  They keep me motivated to get out and enjoy life and do something with what I’ve been given.

And I am sure at some point I’ll fall back and begin to rehash the events to try to see the logical pattern (that is just my way). 

I’m going to try to take the logic out of the everyday. 

I’m going to try to embrace the things I can do and can be.  

And along the way I know I’ll have a few signs that will give me the nod I need to know that I’m doing what I can to live this life to the fullest.